Wicked Weez of the West

Ralph Wiggum

Misquoted Ralphism

I haven’t been sleeping all that well lately, and it often leaves me with sore eyes when I wake. It got quite bad the other week, to the point of having visibly bloodshot eyes several mornings in a row. So after the third day of this, I decided to do something about it.

I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task obtaining eye drops from the chemist using my broken Japlish, so I was more than pleased when, on the way to work last Sunday morning, I bumped into one of the office staff, Nami, at the Starbucks at the train station. I told here my eyes were sore, and asked if she’d help me get some eye drops.

So we stopped in to the chemist (drug store) on the way to work, and she had a conversation with the pharmacist, asking me questions occasionally; do I have allergies, do I wear contact lenses (yes, no). And after a few minutes, she decided on the most suitable brand of eye drops for me.

We arrived at work, and after planning my first lesson I thought I should put the eye drops in. I trust the Japanese. They’re a good people, and I’m sure they mean me no harm. So after taking the awesome looking bottle out of the box, then only to hear my coworkers, Doc & Frank, ask me if I got the eye drops that burn your eyes, I didn’t bother thinking twice. I dismissed their remarks (actually, I think I said, “no?”), and proceeded to put the first lot of drops in my left eye.

Rohto Zi:Ø

Wow.

Super wow.

Srsly.

It’s actually quite hard to describe the sheer pain, agony, and terror I felt that morning. These eye drops were like nothing I’d ever experience before. At first the feeling was thick but cool, then it progressed to something like being in a chlorine pool right after it’s been treated. Remember that feeling from when you were young? Yeah, it’s just like that, except much worse. I was scared and confused. I thought for a minute I’d accidentally put antiseptic mouth wash in my eye instead of soothing eye drops.

The situation was not made any easier by the fact Doc & Frank were both now laughing at me. Tears streaming down all our faces; mascara running down mine. Oh, and the bell had just rung signifying the first lesson should begin.

Great.

Luckily, my first lesson was with a regular student (one-on-one), so I was able to explain the situation to her without having to feel bad about being somewhat distracted. After about 10 minutes my eye stopped burning, but it didn’t feel much better than it did when I woke up. And when that lesson finished, 40 minutes later, I was yet to experience any eye relief

But after heading back into the teachers’ room, my coworkers mentioned that my left eye looked a lot clearer. So, with nothing left to lose, I medicated the right eye too. Crazy? Probably. But it didn’t hurt as much as the left eye. Perhaps because I knew what to expect; I think the initial shock of it exacerbated the pain. And it wasn’t until after I’d put the eye drops in that I read the testamonials on the front of the box. Let me share them with you:

Wow, what a feeling.

Strong yet soft, the indescribable sensation is truly long lasting.

The sensation spreads through my brain – I feel wide awake. My eyes are purified…like the eyes of a newborn baby.

“New” can’t begin to describe the wonder of New Rohto Zi:Ø.

Needless to say, I’ve not used the eye drops again. But I am eager for Rich to try them when he comes to me visit in a few weeks. And I will be bringing some back to Australia, so I can share the experience with friends and loved ones.

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